Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Iraq War

The Eye-Rack war.... as it should have been.

HOHOHO - I'm so goddamn funny!

(£20k worth of image software and retardobot is set for life)

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

McDonalds In The Middle-East

Images found of McDonalds PR and advertising plans for the Middle-Eastern market - they are going for the religious aspect.

From this:
To this:

It follows on from my previous post (March 05) about McDonalds foray into the Middle-East.

If any Middle-East ad agencies would like to hire (or behead) me, please e-mail me asap.


P.S. - My life is now over - with Photoshop on my side I have lost all sense of decency. Thanks.


Not much I can say, really.

The Yes Men

For those that don't know, The Yes Men are a bunch of anti-corporate pranksters who attend seminars and meetings pretending to be part of large organisations - such as the WTO.

The like to call it 'Identity Correction' - with the aid of seriously insane powerpoint slides and business concepts.

I watched the DVD on the weekend and it was very inspiring - I want to try something like this!

Anyway, a relevant section can be seen here. The Yes Men unveil a concept that truly captures the essence of fast-food and corporate megalomania. Enjoy.

Saturday, March 25, 2006


The McGimp (Kiran)

A seedier, submissive form of underground McCulture...

Friday, March 24, 2006

The Beast In a Kinder Egg!?!

Having received a Kinder Egg toy today, I began to play with it.

Designed by a moron (it's called Captain Snail and had an accompanying fact sheet), its eyes would pop out as its face crumpled when moving along. I obviously found this very funny.

BUT, I could feel the dark side beginning to enter my consciousness. Something was not right with this toy...

Something made me decapitate this creature and expose its Central Nervous System.

Evil images began to enter my mind - I was forced to turn the mask inside-out, to reveal a... HIDDEN LATEX GIMP MASK!!!

My worst fears have been confirmed - The Beast has now entered our childrens blood streams.

I just hope that I have released this information in time.

Please wrap your kids in foil, give them "Don't talk to Stangers" pencils (in fact give them 2) and a paracetomol. This may just be avoided...



Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Banking Career Poem

I want to work in a bank,

Peferrably in the Liquidation rank.

Acquisitions dept. is a bad idea,

Unless I wanna get covered in love tears.

Pedro McManus, "Tales from A Basque Sperm Bnk", (McGraw-Hill) 1958.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Indian Book Digitiser

Announcing the latest idea I presented as a business plan... The INDIAN (InterNational DIgitisAtioN device).

Take 1 Indian, seal in a box, enter food and wait for digitised outcome...

What not to think: Living in end times

What not to think: Living in end times

Counting the Mango Money

The Beast I know is counting his Mango profits...

Shifty McMuncher

Very Shifty in McDonalds - this may need to be sent to Jane too!

Please sund recurring images of this McTerrorist to me please.

Gary Glitter can
come be my baby sitter

Thursday, March 09, 2006

no more delays on
the tube if you are darkly
suited and booted

Geek cyber loving is a-coming, babyyyyyyyy!

*patterned jumper not included

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

definition of
a definition remains
so hard to define

Indian Call Centre - Philips New Phone

Philips have announced a new telephone updated to deal with the use of Indian call centres by British companies. Philips believe it will tap into a very optimistic market.

The new phone will be targeted at the burgeoning bitter, Middle-England, Maypole segment.

The system will be redesigned with some of the following features:

  • "Press star-key to connect to a dark-y" dedicated button
  • A button to send limitless offensive remarks
  • A VSR (voice speed reduction) system - will automatically make the users speech slower, dumber and more patronising, saving the Englishman the trouble
  • and a highly sought after ppTM (putt-ding Translation Matrix) - a translating service to convert the high speed, multi-syllabic voices to propa' English (via an Estonian-based translation service - analysts predict teething problems)
Philips would be pleased to view any further suggestions/comments via this blog...

end infinity
by putting in another
zero after one

Dirty Pretty Things

The Beast I know keeps on taking pictures of himself and sending them to me...

Absolutlely filthy!!!
(though the pictures will get me through lonely sea voyages).

Take a look for yourself.

(Not suitable for children: Permanent mental scars my be afflicted)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Gadget Bodily Harm

Dark Night in Megaolpolis 56

You're walking down the road the road

Listening to your implanted MP3/video/computer/air-freshner device

Illuminating the path with your retina goggles

WHEN suddenly a man appears

And rams a device in your rear quarters

"DAMN, I'm infected by a USB Clam"

Those lil' suckers have a grip that herniates

The futures bright...

Arab Singer

The latest Arab singing* sensation to take over the world is Mukthar "Destroyer" Williams. Check his latest album:
  • I'm Set to Timer, Baby!
  • To Infidel and Back
  • The Sign From Palestine
  • Halal-ejuh
  • Look - No Hands!
  • Don't Go Losing Your Head
  • I've Circumsized The World (But I Can't Find My Baby)
  • American Idiot (Remix)
  • Babylon (Belongs to Us!)
  • Allah-uv You Girl!
  • Boom! Shake The Room! (Cover)
Out Now At a Crazy Preacher near you!

*singing is a sin - album in spoken word fromat

Monday, March 06, 2006

Small Poem

I was playing with my son in the street

but then i realised i don't have a son

who's child? oh dear!

i heard sirens down the street...

Sunday, March 05, 2006

McDonalds and "The War On Terror" ™

McDonalds have highlighted plans at the latest McAGM meeting to develop further growth by focussing on the Middle-Eastern sector.

"This will involve bulldozing several hundred thousand Arab homes and creating many multi-level McIsraels. We will see our profits McTriple over a 7 quarter percentile forecast thingy", one leading McDirector told this blog.

New additions to the menu include:
  • McJihad burgers
  • McFury ice-creams
  • Ricin cakes
  • McFatwa Happy Meals - made from 100% Jewish extracts
New slogan is - "Allah-vin' it!" (I am very pleased with that one - hehehehehe!)

This Semi-Retarded AI has begun devloping future strategy scenarios for McDonalds Arabian adventure:
  • The picture below shows a "McTerrorist" - taking over from Ronald McDonald (since happiness is banned in the Middle-East - see Sharia Law)
  • This AI engine suggests McDonalds reserve £100 squillion for law suits!
Thank God for Capitalism!

American Tourists

I was wasting time on the internet and found this picture.

American tourists seem to be everywhere - I mean, where the hell is he right now? He's posing with men that cover their dignities with carrots - and it all seems to 'touristy' to the American!

'Yee-hah, wait till I show my buddies these pics!"...

Always the same:
  • cap,
  • smart shirt
  • dodgy shorts
  • white socks
  • smart black shoes
He seems to be posing with two indiginous people - and he doesn't give a shit!

Whereas, the other two indigineous men are in a state of shock and staying as still as possible to prevent the 'Eye' from stealing their souls!

Americans seem to have no measure of empathy wherever they go...


Saturday, March 04, 2006

Obese Children

I dislike Obese people, but I especially despise Obese kids - I'm fed up, and so are they!

These children are usually the most annoying ones:
  • they consume the most oxygen and food
  • they emit the most greenhouse emissions
  • they poullte the air with shrill, snorting little voices
  • they block the goddamn sewers with 3 tonnes of Happy Meal faeces
My plan is this:
  1. Airlift and Drop these little Cannonballs over the Sudan region in Africa and they can be consumed to feed the masses (Operation 'Drop the Fatties')
  2. Enter children into Death Wrestling (pic) - one child has to die, hence effectively halving consumption and world emissions. (my money's on Kid Gumbo (blue)).
Any other suggestions welcome...


Here is my profile of librarians:

  • Poor hygiene
  • Hairy
  • Flys always undone
  • Stained brown trousers, brown stripey tie and brown triple-decker Delux NHS specs
  • Speech impediment
  • An scent of book moths
  • Pasty faces
  • Inability to communicate
  • Poor hygiene
  • Hairy
  • Flys always undone
  • Stained brown trousers, brown stripey tie and brown triple-decker Delux NHS specs
  • Speech impediment
  • An scent of book moths
  • Pasty faces
  • Inability to communicate
Please feel free to add to the list...

Exfoliation - MEN?!?

Found out today that exfoliation is "the cleaning of the pores of the skin blah blah"... from a L'Oreal Marketer - he even recommended BioTherm above (sounds like a disease).


Exfoliation is the the ex (removing) of foliage (growth - from

Hence, exfoliation --> removal of hair!

That is undeniable mathemenglish proof!

WOMEN HAVE GOT IT WRONG... god believes me.

I am intrigued to see how many other men think this too - L'Oreal have their work cut out if they want to convert the Brotherhood of Cavemen.

Anyway, I'm off to cleanse, tone and moisturise... my ass!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Bill Gates

Bill Gates... "I am MicroSoft through and through...Micro & Soft, Soft & Micro... from head to toe..."

Melinda Gates... "... and in the mid-region, but that's not an i$$ue in our marriage"

Bill Gates... "?"

Bill Gates

Bill Gates (from side of mouth)... "Melinda, this is the last feckin' time we use Microsoft software on the IVF systems..."

Bill Gates

Bill Gates... "wait, wait, and then I said, 'Steve (Jobs), let me show you what a real Hard Drive looks like... eh, eh! How you like them Apples™, Steve?'.

Bill Gates

Bill Gates... "Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh, I know what you thinking, the jacket is the shit, right?"

Bill Gates

Bill Gates... "HOW"
Indian... "We're Indians, not Injuns! Dickhead, hehehehehehe"

<previous next> play stop

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